Did anyone besides me watch THE NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? (My kids don’t get that. Heck…actually half my FRIENDS don’t get that and this TOTALLY depresses me…my husband DOES get it however and this is why I married him.) Anyhow, I watched it DEVOTEDLY and even made my husband watch with me (Yes, I am totally “gaying” him up with all my girly shows like Top Chef and Project Runway (I am in AWE of people who can create on demand!) and it all started with the awesomely wonderful and delicious Gilmore Girls…Oh! How the mighty have fallen! Don’t even get him STARTED on American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance…he will totally out himself and he IS in the military after all.) In case you missed it, poor you with your high-falutin’ good taste in television, in the first episode a chef, who was also a stand-up comedienne, was given the boot. Everyone kept hatin’ on her for not being funny. They were all, “You’re a comedienne, right? Are you going to say something funny? Say something funny! Be funny! Be funny!” and she totally tanked and was not funny.
I am so feeling her pain (although in private rather than on cable tv, thank you, Jesus!) because my friends recently referred to me as a “humorist”. I felt the immediate panic set in.
DON’T DO THAT TO ME, PEOPLE!!!!
No one thinks people are funny when they are expected to be funny. And actually, I don’t even think I AM funny. I DO talk a lot and by sheer volume of what pours out of my mouth, I’m bound to hit the funny button every once in a while. That’s just science! Or math. I don’t know which because I’m terrible at both those subjects.
But the point is that I’m not actually that gifted with humor. I think that I just say what EVERYONE else is thinking but is too polite to actually say out loud. Sorry Mama, because I was paying attention all those years of superb parenting and I know I’m making you look bad. I just like to laugh more than I like manners…so it turns out I really am NOT funny or quick-witted even, although I might possibly be SLOW-witted and definitely impolite. And I am most DEFINITELY NOT A HUMORIST.
But it doesn’t matter now anyhow because my mind is a blank slate since I’ve had the humorist moniker thrust upon my shoulders and I can’t think of anything funny OR impolite to say. I’m a drooling idiot. All dried up because of the demon moniker. Ugh. How DID Erma Bombeck live with the weight of it? You are my hero, girl. Or, I guess, were.