I’ve discovered that I am some sort of idiot savant at annoying and embarrassing my teenage son. I had no idea I was so adept at all the intricacies and nuances of teenage humiliation, but apparently, I’m a pro. I’m doing it all the time without any effort or even being AWARE that it is happening. I have found this week at least 10 surefire ways to alienate or embarrass my sweet boy and if you do not wish to follow my example, please take note of the following. Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you:
1. Wave at son’s friends.
2. Wave at son when he is with aforementioned friends or when aforementioned friends or other potential friends might possibly be within a one to three mile viewing distance.
3. Actually, wave at son AT ALL. And NOT just because waving makes your arm-chub jiggle.
4. Listen to music in the car when son is present and easily viewed by passersby. Singing along induces absolute hysteria. God forbid you do any of this with the windows DOWN.
5. Label son’s new school supplies. Especially NOT with his Dad’s return address labels because you were too lazy to find batteries for the label maker.
6. Say, “Das whack, G!” or “Wassup!” or “Dude!” particularly while feigning rapper hand/arm movements.
7. Dance. Not in your kitchen while you fry taco meat. Not in the living room with the vacuum cleaner or while impersonating the kids from So You Think You Can Dance. Mothers dancing are bad, bad, bad. This is a close tie with making son accompany family to the Justice store to buy his three sisters’ back to school clothes. Son will not even cross the threshold of Justice and prefers risk of kidnapping and torture to being seen inside Justice. And actually, I think both of these are pretty justified on his part. They ARE way embarrassing.
8. Talk about breastfeeding.
9. Make him talk/sit/eat with or nearby you in public. For SURE, not at the community swimming pool while you are in your TRIMSHAPER swimsuit or at the community end of summer ice cream social.
10. And last, but not least, the number one thing to avoid is……….Taking son’s picture on the first day of school in front of the house while classmates are walking past! AGH! Say it isn’t so!
Even with all that parental humiliation, he somehow managed to survive the week, which is very encouraging. Because if he can survive his mother, he can pretty much take anything.